"Instead" - Reflections on What Could Have Been

By Kelsey Walsh | Jackson's Mom

I wish I could do so many things baby boy but nothing more than how I wish I could love you back to life.

Every day I wake up, I come to your room and tell you good morning and kiss your urn.

I do the same at night.

I know you’re still with me, but just in a different way.

Instead of holding your hand, I hold my necklace with your finger print or look at your hand and foot prints that the funeral home gave us.

Instead of brushing your soft face, I brush the urn in your crib imagining it was your face.

Instead of hearing your voice I listen to old videos to bring me right back to that moment.

Instead of running my hands through your hair, I hold the hair that was cut from the funeral home.

Instead of feeling your body against mine, I hug your urn or empty clothes imagining you are in them.

Instead of smelling you, I smell some of the clothes you wore since I didn’t wash them hoping I can still smell you.

Instead of picking out your clothes for family photos, I pick out an outfit from my photos of you so you coordinate with us.

Instead of having an easy conversation with you, I meditate to talk to you or journal.

Instead of watching you grow up, I dream it.

Bereaved mamas are dreamers, we dream of what you’d be like now, how you would look and how you’d be playing with your siblings.

I love and miss my boy so much.. you keep us going yet we can’t wait to get to you.

Written by Kelsey Walsh, Jackson's mom

Jackson passed away in his sleep at 17 months old.

https://thejacksonwalshfoundation.org/

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